In a daring attempt to witness New Years’ fireworks, a 29-year-old lawyer raced along a Chicago skyscraper corridor – without the aid of his glasses — and soared to his death.
Sources confirm that “Legal Eagle,” as he is being called, crashed through a window and plumitted 39 stories. His body parts, like party confetti, lay scattered on the street in front of Providential Building, turning the downtown area into an impromptu crime scene.
Holiday revelers were said to marvel at the “explosive” crater created when the “Legal Eagle” landed on a car.
Authorities are now considering adding a new charge to the legal repertoire: “reckless defenestration.” Meanwhile, our dearly departed lawyer has unwittingly joined the ranks of Chicago’s unconventional skydiving legends – a tale to be recounted with a mix of awe and chuckles at future holiday parties.
Police spokesperson Quincy Magoo reminded onlookers, “Glasses aren’t simply a fashion statement; they’re your superpower against unexpected gravity tests. Wear them proudly, and you’ll be invincible!”
City officials are now considering adding these suggested warning signs to remind the visually challenged.
“Glasses on, Gravity Off”: Eyeglasses are your anti-gravity device. When on, they’re you’re no-fall insurance policy.
“Glasses” : A force field for the face.
“See Clearly, Stay Upright”: The better you see, the better you look.
“Eyes on the Prize, Not the Pavement”: Focus on what’s in front, not below or behind.
“Be a visionary, not a victim of shortsighted thinking.”
While darkly humorous, this tragic incident serves as a reminder of our own mortality but there is a message of hope in 1 Corinthians 13:12: “Now I know in part; then, in heaven, I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
While the specifics of what Heaven may look like remain a mystery, this verse suggests that in Heaven, our understanding will be complete. Imagine shedding the limitations of our earthly existence and experiencing perfect clarity. Even in the face of this lawyer’s unfortunate demise, there’s a glimmer of hope. Perhaps he is now bathed in that heavenly light, finally seeing the world clearly. If you believe in Jesus, take comfort in the fact that He promises to guide us through the darkness and into the light. — Calvin, Managing Editor of the Cool Ghoul Gazette
