Vampire Food Shortage

Vampire Food Shortage

“We are hungry. In the hundreds of years many of us have been on this earth we have never seen things this bad. Our food supply is becoming scarce and nutrient depleted,” said Romanov Glitschko an attendee of the International Conference of Vampires.

During the conference, a yearly event that addresses issues specific to the vampire community, participants chose to hold their event in Transylvania, Romania. The main agenda that year was to discuss the increasing problem of food shortage among vampires.

Specifically, a nutritious blood supply.

Thousands were in attendance and it seems there were as many theories on vampire food shortage as there were attendees.  A frail vampire named Robert Smith showed us a picture of himself from the eighteenth Century, “Look at me. I was robust, strong, a beautiful creature. Now, I can no longer charm an adult to my dinner table. There used to be an element of intrigue about us among mortals. Now, I just look like another creepy street crawler.”

When asked why he thinks there is a problem he responded, “These people, humans in the past century, they no longer eat what is good for them. They eat fast food, it is not real food. There is no nutritional value in it. Therefore, their blood is no longer safe for consumption. It is of no value to us. Especially those that live in Hollywood or have money. They taste like plastic. Vampires used to be immune from illness. Now, we have diseases too.”

One of the most interesting theories we heard was from Nicholai, a three hundred year old vampire, “It is a Biblical sign of the end times. We used to laugh at those people that would talk of the Bible and that someday there would be a worldwide famine. There are more humans on the planet than ever before. Yet, here we are, starving. People are either diseased, nutrient deficient or some, Christian, those people are poisonous to vampires. I don’t laugh at the Bible anymore. I think, this is it, the end times.”

Conference leader Sergai Dracul, an ancestor of Vlad Dracul (the original Dracula) said, “We have heard the concerns of the immortals. We have listened to their ideas and theories about what is causing this problem. As a committee we will take those concerns and try to create solutions. We have even addressed the possibility of genetically engineering our own food as the humans have begun to do. This is an issue of grave concern. We hope to have a solution sometime within the next five years or vampires could become just another scary character in books and folklore.”

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