TRANSYLVANIA, Romania — At the International Conference of Vampires, attendee Baron Von Teeth addressed the high stakes of the vampire community’s dwindling food supply.
“The blood shortage among our immortal brethren poses a grave threat to our existence.”
The conference, an annual event dedicated to life-and-death concerns, chose the mountain-top castle in Transylvania, Romania, to discuss the pressing issue.
“Life is in the blood,” said one member, “and currently the living want to keep theirs, but you just wait. Once they’re in the grave they’ll have a different take on life and death and what’s important and is not.”
Those in attendance were quick to comment on the crisis.
“Every two seconds someone needs blood, and we’re just talking about the living.”
“Approximately 29,000 units of red blood cells are needed every day to keep the living from becoming like us.”
“The average red blood cell transfusion is approximately three units. Three units! That’s week’s groceries for me!”
“A single car accident victim can require as many as hundred units of blood. Think how much more blood there would be if the living put down their phones and booze and focused on the lines in the road.”
“Almost two million people are expected to be diagnosed with cancer this year. Many of them will need blood, sometimes daily, during their chemotherapy treatment.”
Clearly, attendees consider the crisis a grave threat to their existence.
A frail vampire named Tiny Nipper, clinging to an eighteenth-century portrait of his more robust self lamented the decline in his allure to adults. “There used to be an element of intrigue about us among mortals. Now, I just look like another creepy street crawler who is getting skinnier by the minute.”
Nipper attributed the decline in the quality of human blood to contemporary dietary habits, particularly the prevalence of fast food. “There is no nutritional value in it, which means their blood is no longer safe for consumption. Today’s not-so-happy meal tastes like plastic. No wonder so many of the living are depressed; they’ve lost their zest for life and adventure and fresh fish and vegetables. Vampires used to be immune from illness. Now, we have diseases like anemia.”
A three-hundred-year-old vampire named Morticia offered a chilling perspective, stating, “It is a Biblical sign of the end times. People are either diseased, nutrient deficient, or, in some cases, Christian, and those people are poisonous to vampires. I don’t laugh at the Bible anymore. I think this is it. We’re nearing the end times.”
Sergai Dracul, conference leader and a descendant of Vlad Dracul, the original Dracula, acknowledged the growing divide between the living and the dead. “As a committee, we will take those concerns and try to create solutions. We have even addressed the possibility of genetically engineering our own food as humans have begun to do. One day we hope to have a solution but for now, we have to depend on hand outs and catching the living off guard while they’re sleeping.”
The undead community, facing an existential threat, awaits the outcome with bated breath.
